I’m Taking Offense at Your Offense

I’ve been troubled by the vitriol coming from friends I know to be serious students of Jesus. Friends who call him Lord, brother and teacher and who strive to follow his example. The last two presidents, for instance, have elicited toxic responses from many of my Christian friends. Of course, the anger and, dare I say it, hatred for each president comes from different corners of my Christian network. And each view the toxic critique of the other as unchristian-like and their own toxic words as fully justified.

Jesus said that it’s not what goes into a person’s mouth that defiles them but what comes out of their mouth, or in our case, our fingertips (Matt 15). The vitriol that comes out in our words is a reflection of the bitter stew we’ve been cultivating inside our hearts. And the writer of Hebrews tells us to, “make every effort to live in peace with everyone and  …  see to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Heb. 12:14-15).

To be sure, we need to speak truth to power and call attention to injurious policies and attitudes that issue from our leaders and our friends. John the Baptist railed against Herod in Luke 3, not only for marrying his brother’s wife, an issue of personal piety, but because of “all the other evil things he had done,” likely referring to Herod’s exploitative practices and social injustices. And Jesus did not hold back in calling out the false piety of faith leaders on numerous occasions.

But there are some things that differentiated how John the Baptist and Jesus confronted leaders that we would do well to consider. For instance, Jesus considered himself mostly an insider to the Pharisees since he likely studied under the them before becoming a Rabbi. And he was desperately hungry for their maturity, growth and healing. Jesus hung out with Pharisees. Ate with them. Met with them privately. They were part of his inner circle.

We ought to insure that any critique we give to a group of people means 1) we count some of them as personal friends and would say (or have said) the same thing in the same way when they are in front of us, and 2) that our motivation comes more out of a desire for their maturity and less out of irritation. Even if only 51% to 49%, which is a pretty low bar, we’ve got to long for the growth and healing of people we address in our posts more than we long for our “superior opinion” to be aired.

Also consider the fact that John the Baptist lived a radically self-sacrificial lifestyle. He called out Herod from a place of personal piety and social justice. He was no troll. We’re told Herod considered John righteous and liked to listen to him (Mark 5:20). I’m not sure how many of those we lambast in our posts could say that about us.

Of course, many of us need to take less offense at the stuff being posted and give each person the benefit of seeing the world from a different vantage point. We’ve all been injured differently, and see harm coming from different places.

How about we follow a few simple rules the next time we post a strongly worded critique:

1. Before posting, have in mind a friend who holds the position you’re about to decry.
2. Think about how you would word this to them in person.
3. Ratchet up your hunger for their maturity and ratchet down your irritation at their position.
4. Examine any bitter root growing inside you. What is God’s invitation to your own healing?
5. Don’t impute motive.

Our posts say more about our wounds than the wounds of those we’re criticizing. And they are public statements, shouted from the virtual rooftops without the benefit of hearing our tone or seeing the compassion in our eyes.

So, let’s reserve our harshest critique for when we are face-to-face with friends we disagree with, where they are more likely to perceive our desire for their growth and we’re able to invite response. And let’s use our social media posts to ask honest questions from people who see things differently, or alert others to the ways we or our friends are being injured by policies or attitudes, assuming the people we are posting to haven’t had the benefit of our experiences.

If we can do these things, then I might be less likely to take offense at your offense.